"Are you sure this is going to work?" Cell phone to her ear, she watched the traffic on the country road. There wasn't much. Only two cars had passed by in the past fifteen minutes.
"If you say so," said Sally. "I'll try it now." She dropped her phone into the cup-holder between the front seats. She took a deep breath, looked both ways, and then stepped on the gas.
She had barely reached the opposite side of the intersection when the siren sounded. She glanced in the rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights on the police cruiser following her. Butterflies swooped and dipped in her stomach as she pulled to the side of the road and turned off the engine.
"I'm sorry, officer," she said. "I didn't know that I couldn't go straight here. The sign said 'left turn only,' but I wasn't turning." Sally pouted with just the slightest tremble in her lower lip to emphasize how upset she really was.
Sally eyed the man appreciatively. Officer Tanner was the best looking man she had ever seen. He pulled his sunglasses down his nose and Sally noticed again the deep blue eyes that had attracted her to him in the first place.
"Well, Ms.--" He scanned her driver's license. "--Curtis, what would your husband say?"
"I'm not married."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No," said Sally. "But, listen, I really didn't know …"
"Ignorance is no excuse, but in your case I'll make an exception." Tanner leaned down, resting his crossed arms on the side of the car. "That is," he continued, "if you'll go out with me tomorrow night."
Sally smiled her brightest smile and said, "Gosh, I don't know. Let me check my calendar." She reached across the seat and pulled a thick date planner out of her purse. She turned towards the window as she flipped through the pages so that Officer Tanner was unable to see the contents. "Ah, here we go… yes, I'm free tomorrow night and I'd just love to go out with you." She batted her eyelashes at him and said, "What did you have in mind?"
"How about dinner and a movie? I'll pick you up at seven."
"That sounds just wonderful," said Sally. She made a note in the book. "See you then."
"In the meantime," said Tanner as he closed his citation pad, "remember that 'left turn only' means that you must turn left."
As Tanner returned to his car, Sally dropped her date book back into her purse. She watched him pull away as she picked up her cell phone and speed-dialed her best friend, Mary.
"You're brilliant," she said. "We're going out tomorrow."- Location:New York
- Mood:
drained
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Comments
I admit, I'm usually allergic to this sort of date story, but the last line is genius. Voted.
I don't have any grammar notes. Good job proofreading!
Style:
You don't refer to Sally as Sally until the second time she talks, and since there's no real discovery of her name I thought it was a different character at first. I figured it out quickly enough, but I thought I'd point it out.
Butterflies swooped and dipped in her stomach --> Normally butterflies in the stomach is rather cliche, but you've made it your own by giving them specific actions (swooping and dipping). Good job tailoring a cliche metaphor and giving it new life.
Content:
To be honest, I did have some issues with the content. Some of it just didn't make sense to me. At the beginning of the story, I had the definite impression that the police officer and woman already knew each other. I even thought they were already married and that this was just playful banter. To me, it just doesn't make sense that a police officer would actually ask a person he'd just pulled over once to go on a date. I don't even know if that's legal. There are a few things you could add, I think, to make it more believable:
1) Build in more of their personal history. Has he pulled her over before? Have they flirted? How did she first see him?
and/or
2) Give more details of Sally and Mary's plan--maybe she did other things to make it more likely that he would ask her out?
and/or
3) Give us a little bit of character background for Officer Tanner. Is he overly lascivious? Is he easily seduced? Has he been watching her?
To me, it seems more likely that this is Sally's fantasy than something that actually happened to Sally, but that could just be me. I did like the way you told it, and you definitely deserve to be commended for good proofreading and a good flow.